Watch me disappear
by Kailiata
Summary: heartbreak can lead to many things... ONESHOT! but will be turned into a full story if wanted


He looks my way. Looks but doesn't see. The same as always. The same it was For most of my life.

I watch the kittens as they play, pawing and pushing each other. They never knew me, I was never a part of their lives and never will be.

I'm forgotten, a distant figure of the past. No-one remembers me. No-one thinks about me. I was a background figure, just there, someone to fill in a space in the line. Nobody that mattered.

I may have mattered to some people, to him. It was too late when he realised. That's the case with a lot of things in his life. He doesn't know until it's too late.

I doubt any of them even remember my name, and as for my life, it is a mystery no-one will ever want to solve.

My reason to live was my reason to die. That one tom who I could never have.

* * *

I loved him. It was irrational and beyond reason but I did. He was the most confident and popular of all the toms, especially with the queen. I was merely the silent queen, always blending into the background.

I suppose it was unwise to ask for help as the main problem was my confidence, something that couldn't be solved. There was no cure and I was stupid and reckless to think that anyone apart from myself could help and now I was paying the price.

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I watched the Jellicles as they went about life, my life. One I would never relive or get back. I had messed it up, torn it apart and all for the sake of one tom.

With the help of my best friend, I had gained confidence and somehow got close to him, he had even told me he loved me. I, in my blissful happiness, had believed him. My dreams had come true and I had never felt better.

I suspected nothing, not even doubting him when I saw him with Bombalurina. She was, after all, the resident flirt. I was stupid and naive, although I shouldn't have been. I had spent my life watching him; my every waking moment had been centred around him for my whole life.

Not long after, the reality of what was happening hit me,

I had wanted the tom I saw in my dreams. The sweet, loyal cat who was wiling to do anything for me. He was the tom of my fantasies but I had to face the tom of the real world: A cheating flirt who took advantage of a vulnerable and wounded queen.

But I guess love does that to you: Blinds you so you only see the good in people, then strikes down all your senses when the bad is revealed.

The day I found him with my best friend hit me hard, cutting me left, right and centre. I had never thought it was possible to die of a broken heart until that moment.

I was sobbing so hard, I was choking. My joints were buckling and I couldn't breathe. This was hurting but the overwhelming pain was coming from my heart. I could feel it literally tearing my from the inside out, every inch of my body flowing with pain. I was dying and I welcomed it.

I don't know how long it was but I woke up. I was still alive but weak and hurting. Life at the junkyard had gone on without me, completely unaffected. I struggled through the middle of the junkyard, watching the cats as they worked and played.

I was weak but I knew there was one place I wanted to go before I died, one tom I needed to see. I knew I should be angry and a part of me was. However the larger part of me just wanted to see him again before I was gone forever.

I entered his den, half expecting him to be with another queen already. I was surprised when I found him sat down, fidgeting and awkwardly moving, as if he was in pain. As I walked over, he got up. His actions were jittery and he trembled as he reached out to me.

I took a step towards him and collapsed, feeling him catch me as I fell.

As he held me I looked up into his deep hazel eyes, trying to lock the image of them into my mind. His eyes began to glisten and at first I thought it was just the light but as salty drops of water splashed down onto my face, I realised he was crying.

He stroked my face, his hand still shaking.

"What have I done to you?" It was a rhetorical question but I felt he needed to know what he had done, so that he realised just how much his actions can hurt others.

"You've hurt me, killed me, and destroyed me. Your actions have lead to heartbreak and trauma." As his head hung and the tears began to flow again I pulled his chin up so I could look at him. Smiling weakly, I continued.

"And you've loved me."

He smiled at me but his expression changed dramatically as he began to speak again.

"What… What's happening to you?" His lips were trembling and I felt his hold on me tighten as I looked down. My heart began to pound as I found I could faintly see the floor I was knelt on though my body.

My own tears mingled with his as I found myself kissing him. It was a desperate cry and a rushed goodbye. I knew this was the end and very soon I would have faded into nothing.

Tantomile had told me that sometimes the everlasting cat decides a cat has had too much suffering or pain in their life and simply calls them to Heaviside. She had told me that it only happened to those who really needed it but I didn't want to go.

I stared at my loves' face. It was contorted with pain as he desperately fought to stop me from fading.

"Don't go! Please don't go!" Each hopeless cry pierced me even more and, desperately trying to ease him pain, I hugged him.

"I don't want to! Oh by the everlasting cat, I don't want to!"

I prayed a silent prayer that the everlasting cat would let me stay but it seemed in vain as I faded more and the cries became louder. I knew of one way to silence him and, clutching his face in both my paws, I kissed him, holding him tight until I was no more.

* * *

That was my last memory of my life and of him and one I will never forget.

The next thing I was aware of, I was up in Heaviside, watching the once arrogant tom as he grieved. He was calling my name, pawing at the space where I had once been but I was gone, never to return to him.

That was the story of my life. Always to watch, never to experience.

I am Exotica, watch me disappear.

* * *

**I know this is a sad story but It just came to me and I felt I Had to write it down. It is a oneshot but I will turn it into a full story if people want me to.**


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